Lost and Found

Life is not always fun.  This is a fact. 

The worst time in my life ever was not that long ago.  For about two years, maybe a little less, I was in a pit.  I was desperately unhappy with everything in my life.  I kept my family so busy with activities, I couldn't find us.  I felt obligated to prove that I was worth holding space on earth by volunteering for everything.  I hated all of it.  I got so angry with the piano teacher for running late that I switched piano teachers (and made the kid unhappy with piano).  I was angry with the kids.  At summer swim team (which is so much fun), I was angry that Rebecca wouldn't swim faster to the point that a good friend told me to lighten up.  I quit the things that were fun for me to make my life "easier."  The bell choir director said, "Are you sure?"  My best friend had moved away, and I couldn't talk to her it hurt so badly. I cried all the time. My eldest daughter walked on eggshells around me.  I could see in her eyes that she was scared.  I just stopped being me.  My lighten up friend guided me to the realization that I was depressed.  That was a step in the right direction.

On my birthday, my parents came to see Rebecca sing in church with her choir and to take us out to lunch.  This doesn't happen much, so it was a big deal.  The minister started preaching about joy and I cried.  I couldn't stop crying.  We didn't go to lunch.  I celebrated my birthday with uncontrollable tears.  I went to the doctor the next day and (cried uncontrollably) began my foray into happiness through mood-altering drugs.  It helped.  The way a tylenol takes the edge off a bad headache.  I didn't cry all the time, but I didn't feel much of anything or think much of anything.  I wasn't that psycho, but I wasn't me.

I talked to a counselor who clued me in that I'm my own worst critic.  And from talking with girl friends, this seems to be a common thing with women.  My expectations were so high for myself that I could never dream of living up to them.  And I didn't - live up to them that is.  I tried to.  I tried to give my kids their fabulous birthday parties at Christmastime.  I didn't cook because I couldn't cook anything worth eating in my opinion.  I stopped cleaning, because frankly I suck at cleaning.  I was a substitute teacher at the time and was terrified of sitting in the faculty room because I stink at small talk.  Through many, many counseling sessions (where I ... cried, of course), I finally was released from my own expectations.   So I became a more reasonable human being, but still not myself.

Last Christmas, I started playing.  I started having outrageous conversations on Facebook.  We went to our friends' house for dinner and games and I cranked up the silly.  Santa gave us a Wii (by the way, can someone please out Santa to my almost 10-year-old?).  We spent New Year's Eve with our good friends in Pittsburgh, where we discovered that we had to have Band Hero for the Wii.  I made a conscious decision- call it a New Year's Resolution if you need to- to play regularly.  I started dancing with my kids to fun music like Lady Gaga.  I remembered how amusing word play is to me.  I have some friends who can pun with the big dogs.  I went to Games Night religiously and let my silly, competitive self run wild and free (and amused people by singing along with the radio.)  I discovered the play in cooking as I created theme dinners of immense magnitude (and calories) and expense.  Along the way, I lost the need for counseling and for chemicals.

What I found was laughter and lots of it.  I found a beautiful relationship with my daughters, who once again have a mother who is sane, sometimes patient, sometimes inappropriate, mostly happy.  I rediscovered my amazing husband, always there for me, but now enjoying some benefits instead of just worry.  I've made new friends who share my optimism and love of fun and don't seem to mind if I'm not always contributing to the conversation.  With my new attitude and confidence, I got hired for the best job I have ever had in my life, spending a very fast-moving, brief workday with a wonderful teacher and hilarious and charming children.  I've even turned lousy housekeeping into a theme for a soiree. 

So, yea, life isn't always fun.  But it is way easier to take the rough spots with a play-full frame of mind.